The Good Thing

Again, the good thing about my summer has been my photos. That's about it. I will be posting a whole bunch on my deviantart site within the next week or so. I might post a couple more here, but I don't like the resolution on them, like the one above. It's blurry.

Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters

Lately I've been having trouble sleeping. I will try to go to bed around 1am, but I lie in bed for quite some time with a lot of non-important thoughts going through my head. Then I tend to wake up again around 8am. And since I've got no commitments, there's no reason for me to wake up at this time. I feel the most tired I've felt in quite a while, but I haven't been doing anything.

That could be it, I'm tired of doing nothing. Maybe that's why my mind races at night, because I don't use it during the day. I think of some of the most ridiculous shit, like alternate endings to commericals I see on TV. Or how the commercial would be funnier if one of the characters turned into a selfish jerk. And I dwell on each thing for a good half hour.

The only positive really is that I've come up with ideas for photos and I keep writing them down.

My dreams are even more weird. I can't even really tell I'm dreaming anymore because I dream exclusively about people I know well in situations that are more than plausible. So when I wake up, I actually have to stop and think about whether or not these things I dreamed about happened. I started talking to a friend of mine the other day about something I thought I'd done with them and they had no idea what I was talking about.

It troubles me a bit because I'm not able to destinguish between my dreams and my real life. I think back to things I've done in the past few months, but sometimes I've not been sure if I actually did it or if I dreamed it.

I blame my summer of inactivity on this phase. I think my lack of use of my brain has really had an effect on me.

I love being a . . . Sarah Jessica Parker . . . I mean Joss Stone . . . Oh wait, now it's Michelle Williams

Today my hatred of Gap ads won over my desire to work for the last 2 weeks of my summer in Toronto.

I went to a job fair on Tuesday and was scheduled for a group interview at the Gap today at 4pm. Now if it's one thing I hate more than job interviews, it's group job interviews. Especially a group full of the kinds of people who work at the Gap. I think the only reason I was allowed to be scheduled for a group interview was because they scheduled everyone who came to their table (not many).

But I decided that I'd rather not go at all than have to work there for 2 weeks and then hassle them to pay me after I quit so suddenly. And the location that was hiring was at Yorkdale mall (north north Toronto, not even Toronto).

So I have chosen instead to continue to do yard work for my Dad. And enjoy my last bit of time here. Most people would assume I had a fun summer because I didn't work. I didn't have a bad summer, but the only real fun time I had was my 4 days in Montreal, and visiting my Aunt and Uncle's farm one day. Also the bike rides I did when it was cool out. Now it's too hot.

I also think that I created a profession that would be right for me. I would come up with titles for things. Books, movies, songs, albums, poems, articles, anything. I think I'd be good at that (not basing this on any of my column titles). I think people could be convinced to hire me to do it if I could show it increased interest in each item.

First person to ask for my serivces gets 8% off.

I'm Warren Haas, I'm awesome!

For the past three months I was serving as a columnist for the Simon Fraser University newspaper The Peak. I now present to you my final column so you may understand the style of my writing. I present it in its form that has not yet been grammercized by Mr. Hingston so there are a few errors and such. This is the window into my condition known as slightly retarded with snot dripping out of my nose [Salinger].

Well pretty much I would expect all of you to have tears in your eyes right now. Tears of painful, painful sorrow. As this is my last column, you should all be mourning the death of the best column you will ever have the privilege to read in The Peak. Let’s face it, I am a fucking brilliant writer and all of you cut out my columns and keep them as your most treasured possessions. (Don’t think The Peak doesn’t forward me all the love letters I get from all of you ladies. And gents.) This final column is no exception. It is brilliant. I mean let’s face it, how many writers admit that they are amazing? Hardly any, and therefore I am even better.

My columns have been so good over the past three months that people just don’t know how to react. I mean look at the people who attempted to write a snappy reply to my columns; Chris Buors tried to argue that addictions aren’t real by talking about the very well documented reality of spiritual death. I mean come on. Spirituality is really just some hippy word for getting high and eating tofu. And then just last week Amie Anderson tried to respond to my thoughts about protestors. Oh wait that’s right, my column was about protestors, not protests. But Amie failed to read my column properly (Shit, my columns are so good AND complex) and see that I was criticizing people and not necessarily movements. Side note: Amie still had to admit that I am a cool guy, even though she was trying to disagree with me. Oh yeah, what other writer calls out their failed critics, either? Another point scored for my greatness.

Also I’d like to point out that only two people attempted (I stress attempted) to respond to my columns because all others realized that you can’t argue with my brilliance. I don’t write opinions, I write the truth (Ignore the disclaimer at the bottom). Things like opinions are what’s wrong with our society. If there were no opinions there would be no disagreements, everything would be just peachy. Luckily I am around to straighten things out and tell everyone what is right.

Unfortunately for all you SFU students, you won’t be able to be witness to my greatness in the fall because I am taking my greatness elsewhere. I am leaving the very halls that I have made famous and moving on to bigger and better things. And now that I am leaving Simon Fraser all of you should seriously consider switching schools, because what is SFU without Warren Haas? I shudder at the thought.

As for next semester’s columns, well I would just skip right past that page when the time comes. They won’t be as good as mine. Or better yet, read them and laugh at how non-Warren Haas like they are. Fools. I mean I’m such a good columnist that the other columnist writing this semester stole one of my titles to use as his. You can’t argue with facts, bitches.

So now you are wondering what are you to do without me. Truth be told, there isn’t much you can do to fill the void of Haas. The best thing to do is get several back issues of The Peak which have my columns in them and cut them out and sleep on them. Make a mattress out of my columns. That way you can sleep on top of piles and piles of Warren’s words and absorb the essence of Warren. You will have the best sleep of your life.

And one last thing that qualifies my as great; the fact that I am destined to die by the time I’m 27. We all know that all great people have died by then (ex. James Dean, enough said) so I expect nothing less from myself. That is why as soon as I am done writing this column I am going to chug a litre of Jack Daniels, hop on my Harley and play chicken with destiny. And destiny is a Mac truck.

Her room mate was one of those horrible actors that you can't stand to be around

I've been watching a fair amount of movies lately in theatres, large amounts more than I have in the past year or so. And I just can't help but wonder what happened to all of the good actors. I go back and look and all the "classics" where the movies were so focused around truly amazing performances (think Humphrey Bogart, George C. Scott, James Dean, Peter Sellers, [early] Marlon Brando, Audrey Hepburn). Those were the days when movies would have minute long, uncut close ups of actors just belting it out.

These days movies are so focused on quick quick bang bang action. I don't want this to turn into a generic rant against bad action movies, so I will change the subject. What I'm really talking about are the performances. It really came across my mind while watching the movie The Jacket, which in itself isn't an awful movie, but it's definitely not a memorable one. However this was also the first movie I'd seen Adrien Brody act in, and good god damn that boy can act. I couldn't believe how convinced I was by him. I'd always kind of listed him among the ranks of Orlando Bloom and Heath Ledger (Oscars don't mean anything to me anymore) until I saw this movie.

But his performance, it made me just sit back and wonder where the fuck all the good actors went. There are some really good performances still going around, Bill Murray has convinced me he can act really fucking well, Sean Penn is just really good in anything, and Johnny Depp is, well, Depp is the messiah right now.

Of course there are some good actors still floating around, Jude Law and Clive Owen are great in most of their roles, Naomi Watts is too hot (and she acts just swell), Christian Bale (enough said), Mickey Rourke is underrated (think recently Sin City, but don't forget Barfly) and I'm still convinced Jack Nicholson will rise again.

My point is that I think movies these days are so lame that they aren't focusing enough on the performances. They just crank out the movies in probably no more than 3 takes a scene and everyone settles for mediocre. It bothers me, because when I watch a movie with really great acting in it, it gives me reason again to respect the craft of acting. Because pretty much when I see most movies these days I don't even really register that someone is acting (i.e. The Pacifier, Guess Who, Stealth, etc etc)

I want to go back to movies that could be said to be slightly boring but are redeemed by the acting (think Giant with Rock Hudson, Elizabeth Taylor and James Dean) I miss those movies.

I mean I love my comedies, but I don't expect the same sort of thing out of them. But a great performance will make them even better. And I can like movies more because of the acting (i.e. Johnny Depp in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory most recently)

Acting is not getting the credibility it deserves right now, but if it continues down the same path, whatever acting is won't even be worth anything.

Market

My Photos have been the only productive activity of my summer.

That and leading a video game incarnation of the Toronto Blue Jays baseball team to a currrent record of 44-13 in the 1998-99 season.

My middle name was Douglas

It's been decided that should Warren ever be put in a position that garners him recognition and fame that he will change his name to Douglas Haas in order to sound "cooler". It has been widely decided that this name has more mystique to it and more suits that of a photographer.

It has been selected from the options:

W.D. Haas
W. Douglas Haas
Warren D. Haas
Warren Douglas Haas
Dougie Haas

Perfect Strangers

I was hanging out with a friend today, and while we were watching TV we came about watching an ad for some contest where you could win a chance to meet some celebrity (I forget who). It involved taking a trip to Vancouver and I joked I should enter to get a free flight back there.

Then we got to talking about the idea of meeting not necessarily a celebrity, but someone you really like. For example one of your favourite authors or musicians.

Personally, I have no interest in ever meeting anyone whose work I enjoy. I think it's because I'm afraid that I would think of less of them if I met them, and I probably would. I am too blown away by what they've created that them being anything other than the idea in my head would just change everything.

After reading Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger, I was just overcome with awe at how someone could come up with stories so good. But if I were to meet the guy, he would just be some normal guy. And I would want to know what makes him so special. Why can he write so much better than me.

It's not just that though, I think the fact you don't know them is part of the reason that you enjoy it as much as you do. You don't know what is influencing them or inspiring them. You don't know what they care about. And I think I like it that way.

FAQs

Riley, just because you are on a masters ending bender doesn't mean you're entitled to post drunken comments about FAQs. My god man. What the hell are you talking about?

Columnitis

I really have enjoyed writing a column for SFU's The Peak over the past three months. In large part for the two responses that have come from two of my columns. Last week I wrote a column called "I protest protestors" where I said all protestors these days are idiots. Now, some of this column could be viewed as being written "sarcastically" but you know, not many people seem to get that when they read it.

A responding letter was published this week where this girl says that I claim protests are stupid. And yet I did no such thing, I stated in my original column that I didn't think the idea of protests were stupid, but rather the people who organize them were. I really enjoy this when it happens. She also says well what about the protests that produced an end to slavery, got women the right to vote, or a 40 hour work week. Silly girl, all I was doing was saying that protestors are not doing any good. Mainly because of the violence that occurs at large numbers of protests.

I don't know, it's just funny to me when someone didn't study my column that well and then replys to it. It's also kind of bad, because it makes me start to think I'm as good a writer as I claim to be in my columns.

And we all know I'm not.

P.S. She is SOOO getting burned in my last column.

I'm still

On my recent trip to Montreal a situation came about where I did something that was selfish. I admit, I did it. And I'd probably do it again. That's because I do selfish things fairly often. Except it often just involves myself.

But to say I never act selfish around others would be more than a huge exaggeration. I don't feel bad about it, either. This came up in conversation with friends when they were saying they didn't like what I did. I argued that it wasn't as selfish as they claimed because what I did didn't really affect what they did at all, and it didn't. Did. Didn't.

One friend in particular asked why I acted selfishly, and my response was "Because I am selfish, and why wouldn't I be?" What I'm referring to is that in my current state of life, being a single 21 year old going through school. I was just curious who he thought I would be most concerned about. Sure I care about my family and friends, I care about them a lot. But ultimately right now I am thinking about what is best for me.

I know a lot of people would disagree with this sentiment, but I can't help it. But I am considerate of others all the time, but unfortunately these friends seem to think that when I do stuff they want to do it automatically means I wanted to do it as well. I don't feel guilty when my being selfish doesn't affect others. When my actions will affect other people, then I won't necessarily be selfish.

The funny part is, there are sometimes when what this friend does I would consider very selfish when others are involved. I'd say he's at least as selfish as me, just in different situations.

But I admit it. And that makes me feel good.

They get the job done

I've kind of had a one track mind this summer.

Out of work comedians

I was just watching tv, and I came upon yet another VH1 special about a celebrity. I wasn't really paying attention to which one it is, but what more caught my eye was the "commentators" that they have who provide 90% of the content for the show. There is the odd "journalist" or something to that end who makes comments about how great the celebrity is and how great everything they own is, but then the rest of the people who fill up the time are credited as "comedian" and I just can't understand why they are there.

For one, nothing they say on these shows are funny. Sometimes it seems like they are making an effort, but for the most part it's like: this guy is in a chair, he is talking, he might briefly mention the celebrity in question. I've sat there and watched several of the comedians make comments completely unrelated to the subject of the show. It's ridiculous. How badly did this show need to be made that they filled up the majority of the so called commentators with out of work comedians?

I just can't believe shows like this exist, mainly because there must be a market for them if they continue to get produced. Who enjoys this shit? The comedians are some of the worst people I've ever seen in my life. The sad part is I'm sure a few of them (I stress few) actually have good material on stage. But yet they go on these shows and embarass themselves for the sake of a pay cheque.

And my question to you is; are there really that many comedians out of work in LA?


Because I don't know.

I don't live in LA.

Mannersss---issmm

My parents recently were selling a trailer (I won't go into this now, but yes they have a trailer rather than a cottage and yes they like it and yes I haven't been there yet) in an auto trader magazine. Since I am home all the time, I was normally the one fielding the calls about the trailer. Nevermind the fact I knew nothing about it and had very little interest in it, but I found that almost everytime someone called about the trailer they wouldn't say "Hi".

As soon as I would pick up the phone and say "Hello" I would be greeted with a "How are you doing today?" or a simple "How are you?". I don't think once someone would immediately say "Hi" to me. And needless to say I found it really, really weird.

When I wasn't greeted with a "Hello" in return, I started to wonder who the hell was calling me and the who the hell they thought they were that they didn't have to exchange polite "Hello"s with me. By the time the trailer was sold I learned to gage if a call was about the trailer by way of the persons first words through the speaker. If they asked me how I was doing, I knew they wanted the trailer and I would almost instinctively say "It's been sold".

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate the kind thought of asking me how I am doing, I am saying that I expect some form of greeting that acknowledges I made the effort to say hello to a total stranger.

A total stranger who is interested in buying a 1969 AirstreamTrailer.

When I get back home to you

Man, Girls Can Tell by Spoon is a really, really good album. Why I was hesitant to listen to them before I don't know.

I'm quite slow with listening to new bands. Seriously it can often take me a solid six months to get into a band.

It can take me only 2 1/2 minutes to get out of a band.

I decided to remove the previous title of this post

I had one of my most productive days of the summer today, and it's sad that I say that because it means I got out of the house by 11am. I haven't done that in literally a month or more. Then I walked down Bloor street and returned some movies.

Then I came home and drew a t-shirt design that I will print tomorrow.

I also decided to make a photography book, with the theme of street signs. I am going to shoot for it tomorrow. I've already got a lot lined up.

Then I watched tv from 3:30pm until 10:30pm.
But I took a break for some chicken qausadilas.

It's funny how much I despise almost every form of television yet I can't tear myself away from it.
I think I'm afraid of actually doing something worth while.

Why I'm not an "artist"

I recently purchased Joy, a collection of 22 postcards with the art of David Shrigley on them. Shrigley is probably my favourite artist, and as soon as I saw the book I bought it.

Anyways, one of the works in the book is called Artists talk about their work and it has four small funny drawings of artists talking.
I wanted to put up each speech bubble just because it states every reason why I hate certain art/artists.

"I don't actually do the paintings myself, I get a bunch of handicapped kids to do them for me..."

"I use a lot of found materials in my work. My latest piece is fifty identical pairs of children's shoes which I found in a charity shop they're brilliant and they only cost $30."

"I went around town and asked dossers if I could buy their underpants from them. I got six pairs for $5 each and used them for my show in France."

"I go around bars at the weekends and deliberately get into fights and get my head kicked in while a friend of mine videos it."

That's it. And it sums up what I hate about art.

A survey question

Rather than posting an entire useless and redundant survey, I have selected one question that I chose to answer for all of you.

34. Would you ever wear overalls:
No.

No I would not.

Bon Jovi lyrics define my life

I'm in the process of merging my previous blog into this new one. Bear with me friends.

It will collide like a pinto a vw bug.

Long Walk Off A Short Dock

Cheque, cheque, cheque.